Sunday, January 24, 2010

So that sucked.

Come to find out, when people say that having a child will put a strain on your relationship, what they REALLY mean is, "You're going to want to kill him. Like... ALL THE TIME." Because, ha ha! This whole keeping someone alive thing is hard. Fucking haaaard. When you read that second hard, you should kind of grunt and double over because IT'S SO HARD.

Yeah. So since the baby was born, we've been kind of drifting around, the boy and I, drifting around each other in the same house but not really the same because our lives have been pretty separate. We don't parent together, we just switch off. This sort of seems to have evolved as a coping mechanism, but obviously is not. This is the exact opposite of productive living because we're doing it alone, but while kind of near each other, which is maddening. As you might be able to guess. Oh, and also, our baby was really colicky and miserable. Not easy. No baby is easy, obviously, but they're certainly made harder by tortured screaming 20 hours a day. (That? Is not an exaggeration. "Babies sleep all the time," is the biggest bullshitting lie I've ever heard and I would suggest you not repeat it to anyone, ever, lest they wind up with Baby O' Terror like mine was, and come for you in your sleep.) It's gotten better, the screaming, but still. Stress.

And last night, it all kind of compounded and blew itself to stinking, rotting bits, and The Boy and I wound up slinging words like, "You're a crazy pain in the ass to be around," (him) and, "You don't do ANYTHING! Why am I even HERE?!" (me.) Needless to say, it was terrible. We worked it out, but it sucked. Bad. And I need it to not happen again, because I just cannot take it.

So what I WANT (There's always something, isn't there. Me, me, me. I, I, I.) is ADVICE. Yes, I'm asking for it, so let me have it with both barrels. Tell me our fatal mistake was getting knocked up out of wedlock, or that we haven't even been together long enough (a year and some change) to raise a child together, or whatever. Include every admonition you can think of if you have to. Just give me advice on how to keep this from happening again, because as it's going now I'm going to be finding out how hideously Prison Orange clashes with my low lights. (Because I'm going to fucking ax murder him, for those of you just tuning in. Which is going to be the result of me constantly walking away to avoid saying I HATE YOU AND YOUR ASSFACE out of misplaced aggression.)

I'm too snarky to go to prison. I'll get shanked. Save me from myself, will you?


  1. figure out why baby is crying that much. easy, right? sorry, you probably aren't in the mood for jokes. but seriously, most of the time you can get a baby to stop crying that much by trial and error, and i speak from experience.
    is he breastfeeding? if so, first thing i would do (and what I DID do) is eliminate possible allergens and see if he responds. no gluten, no milk.

    do this for a week and see if it makes a difference.

    also, do you have gas drops? those can help tremendously, even if you don't think he has gas. sometimes it just bubbles in there and doesn't come out, but still hurts.

  2. Having kids IS hard. I have 4. My new and improved husband has 4. Sometimes we have 7 kids here at the SAME TIME (my oldest is 19 and allergic to kids. She never comes over--I have to meet her in town).

    Now for my ASSVICE: When you need help, you have to ASK The Boy. They are clueless and think YOU are the only one who can take care of the babe. But if you give him a chore...nicely, like this: "Boy, would you hold your gorgeous son while I pee? He looks alot like you, doesn't he?" Then go potty, wash your face, brush your teeth, put on a lil lip balm. Go back, lean down and say "You both are soooo freaking cute! Thanks for the bathroom break!" They like to feel needed. And like they still matter. That you still like them. Men are really good about almost always responding to nice. Like dogs. You see them doing something good? You pet, give a treat and they are licking you and tring to please you even more. However, they are not good at STARTING this process.

    When you have a newborn (and teenager)parenting sometimes *IS* a tag team. No lie. But it's nice to know there is a team mate to tag with, ya know?

    You will get there. Promise.