Tuesday, February 10, 2009

So Tired.

When a person asks you to get into a car and drive 7 hours with her, because her father is very sick and in a hospital in another state and she needs you, the ideal answer would be, "Absolutely. I love you. Let's go." Then the clouds would part, the sun would shine and you'd hold hands and skip down the road, knowing that the situation would be rendered tollerable by your mutual support and love. Bluebirds would serenade, squirrels would proceed, and everything would be a little bit closer to perfect.

The ideal answer would absolutely fucking not be, "I might have something to do that matters more, but I don't have a problem going along if it's convenient to me."

The above should most certainly be avoided if the one asking for help already has pride and control and trust issues. In fact, the above might cause the asker's stomach lining to become inflamed with acid and pure liquid rage. On top of the indigestion, uttering that phrase would beckon forth from the very bowels of hell every mutant demon known to man or mythology. Bats would swarm, skies would darken, children would shriek in horror, and everything in the world would shrivel, turn black and fucking DIE.

I'm just saying. Just making random, logical, very calm conversation over here.

Does anyone have some TUMS?

I'm just shocked. I'm shocked that I thought I could impose this kind of burden on a new relationship. I'm shocked that I didn't anticipate this kind of reaction. I'm shocked that I had the nerve/stupidity to ask this of him in the first place. They say that people and psyches morph under stress, and I can see that's true in this case. I need help and I know it, and something inside me has overridden my natural inclination to shut the fuck up and make due. I'm shocked that, while I haven't been turned down, it feels like I have and it's crushing me. I didn't think we were at the crushing stage of things just yet.

I just don't know how much plainer I can be right now. I don't know how to make myself more clear. I NEED FUCKING HELP. I need help. Help me, fucking HELP ME, for god's sake, HELP me. I am not even remotely able to deal with my father being sick right now, not even slightly. I haven't recovered from watching my mother die, I cannot DO this alone, and I don't know how else to ask for help. I don't know how to find my voice out there the way I can here, I don't know how to vocalize it. Here, it's easy. Here, I can say,

I'm traumatized. I'm so fucking broken. I admit it, I've been in serious denial since my mom died. No one was expecting the cancer, and then to watch her waste so quickly... it ate my soul. It killed me. She was only sick for 4 months, then she died and right after that I lost my baby. My body betrayed me and reacted to the stress of my mother's death by terminating the pretnancy. I lost everything at once. I never coped, I never had the courage to deal with any of it, and even though I'm doing better now and the echoing darkness inside of me is starting to fill up again, I sill don't know how to deal with any of what happened.

I know it doesn't usually seem like there's anything wrong. I know I seem independent and happy and like I'm doing well. I know that you'd never know anything was amiss to look at me. I know all of this, I kill myself trying to keep it all in the air, but I'm saying right now: it's all a lie. I need help, at least right now, please help me with this. It's too much, it's too big, and I need you.

I can't go down there and see him in the hospital, or out of the hospital but dying anyway. I know I'll look at him and see her;I can't do it alone and I need help. Please help me.

Out there, out in the real world? I can't say those things. They won't come out of my mouth. He has a good reason for needing to stay here, if he does. I know that. He's a good man, and I understand his motives. But I'm tired of being understanding, I'm tired of putting my head down and shouldering through because there's no other option, and I'm tired of being scared.

I'm so tired.

1 comment:

  1. I'm just bits of light on a screen, but I hear you.

    I read the Book of Psalms in the Bible for strength. That is as close as I've ever come in my whole life to "thumping" someone with a Bible.

    The good Lord has had His hand on this old asshole more times than I can count.