Thursday, February 26, 2009

What I want. (Why I don't have it.)

-Burgundy walls in my kitchen. Well, at least ONE burgundy wall in my kitchen. (I rent, and repainting when I move seems like a serious pain in the ass. Not that I'm thinking of moving any time soon, so I don't know why the consequences have even occurred to me, so maybe I'll call my land lord and ask if painting's ok. Wait. I hate him. So maybe I'll just paint and deal with the fallout later. Because that's how I roll.)

-Blue walls in my bedroom. Like, a sage blue. It would match my blankets... I love my blankets. (My bedroom walls are kind of huge. I don't like to do stuff that makes me move at all, and I'd have to move a lot to paint my walls. I also don't like to do home-improvement kind of shit, but I've been feeling really homey lately, so maybe I'll take a whack at her. However, my bedroom is pretty good sized, and that would be a lot of work, and like I said: I'm lazy. OBV.)

-More pillows on my couch. (I haven't been to the store on my bi-yearly "Going to buy tons of shit I don't need for myself and the pets" spree, yet. Also, the store is like ALL THE WAY OVER THERE, and I'm right here, and GOD that means I have to get into my car and then fucking GO there, and that's a pain in the ass because then you have to deal with people, and I sort of hate people. I want pillows, not people. It's all a big cluster fuck of useless shit aimed at keeping me away from what I want! Maybe I'll order them on line. *gasp* Sweet Jesus, that's actually never occurred to me. I could do that right now! But if I do it, I can't procrastinate and whine about my uncomfortable couch anymore, and speaking of procrastination fuck I need to do my taxes. Whoa. Oops. Where am I? Where are my pants?)

-More pictures on the walls. (I would need to print them off, which means I'd need to take my memory stick in to the Walmarts to use that machine thing, and I don't know how to use it. Also, it looks kind of time consuming, and I have like 700 pictures on my stick because I've been putting this off for like, a WHILE. I don't like to do things I've been trying not to do, because it's the principal of the thing. I also don't like things I don't understand --like shady fucking picture machine things-- because I'm a small-minded bigot, or things that take up time. So I'm pretty sure I'd really HATE the whole process of actually getting pictures developed because hello, could it BE more time consuming or foreign to me? I don't think so. Not unless the machine spoke German and wanted to teach me how to knit, because holy shit, that's the stuff nightmares are made of.)

-A hair cut. (I work too much to keep regular appointments. Scratch that. I work so much that when I'm off, I'm DEAD, and so I am UNABLE to keep appointments on account of not being alive. Also, I really like what my hair is doing about every three days, where it looks all long and wild and shit. I look like a jungle person, and that's kind of totally cool by me. And one of the guys I work with is all, "Don't cut your hair. Long hair is sexy." And I was like, "I know, right. Especially when it gets stuck in your mouth, or your eyes, or in your underwear. Spank my ass and call me Jezebel.")

-New shoes. (I don't like shoes, and I don't know why people should have so many of them. At least, that is, until I get onto Zappo's and then I'm all, "Oh damn, I NEED those five-inch, electric TEAL stilettos, they'll go with everything I own! The gold filigree just makes them more versatile! I must have them right goddamn now!" Then I close the window because I come off as unstable enough without wearing those shoes with my jeans and hoodies and doing my pimp strut down the block thinking I look GOOD.)

-A cigarette. (I just quit. Because I obviously hate myself and everyone around me, and would like to see us all dead at the bottom of the icy, icy river. I could not have picked a more stupid time to quit. I'm constantly second-guessing myself because there isn't really a REASON behind me quitting, other than the fact that I've gotten to the point where doing something willfully ignorant that's really bad for my health makes me feel STUPID. Not that I have a problem being stupid - I rather like it. Much like I enjoy smoking. I REALLY enjoy smoking. It makes me happy, and I like to do it. I would like to do it right fucking now, in fact. Amen.)

-A cat. (I haven't adopted a cat because before oh, RIGHT NOW, it didn't seem like a good idea, because of my dog and how super excited she is about everything... I was kind of scared she'd try to love on a cat and accidentally break it's spine... Well, she's suddenly mellowed considerably, and I saw her with my sister's cat not too long ago and it was made pretty obvious that she's not going to screw with any self respecting puss. However, I haven't adopted one because right now I'm kind of concerned that I would neglect it. Not that you can neglect a cat unless you're really cruel, or headless, because they're so independent, and I wouldn't do that intentionally anyway. It's just that I suddenly find myself afraid that everything relying on me is going to DIE. Huh. I can't imagine where that fear has come from, Ihatemyfuckingdad, how very CURIOUS. Perhaps I should delve more deeply into this issue. And get a goddamn cat already.)

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