Tuesday, June 16, 2009


So, the house we're in the process of closing on... We had the inspection yesterday, and would you believe it took five (5!) hours to inspect our sweet little home-to-be? No, me either. I wouldn't believe that an inspection that was supposed to take 2 hours instead took that long.

You know what else I wouldn't believe? That the entire roof is shot. Oh, yes. SHOT-shot. Like, if you were to walk on it, you'd fall through and cripple yourself, thus leaving your family to limp along on one income while you spent the rest of your life eating through a straw and rolling the dice when it came to bed sores and diaper rash. That kind of shot. Or the kind of shot where it could collapse in and crush you all in your sleep one night because the wind picked up just a titch. We're talking TOTALLY SHOT.

Riddle me this: How in the hell can someone, in good conscience, put a house up for sale that is topped by a roof that is about to collapse?

And man, let me tell you, it doesn't LOOK about to collapse. It's beautiful, especially when seen through the dewy eyes of someone that really, really would like to live beneath it. It's a pretty, normal little roof on top of the pretty, normal little house that we've already gone and picked out paint colors and furniture and even outside plants for. Because we're stupid and like to tempt fate, that's why. We started acting like the deal was final before it was, and now I want to shake my finger in the owner's face and tell them things like HOW DARE YOU and SHAME ON YOU and DON'T YOU KNOW WE'RE NICE PEOPLE? And also maybe add in a SHIT and PISS for good measure, because fuuuuuck. (Is it possible to whine through the Internets? I'm really giving it my best here.)

Dude. We're nice people. We do nice things. We're involved in charity and we love our big, messed up families so much, and we're just trying to carve out a little corner of the world for ourselves and our baby, and these LIARS are trying to sell a house with a bunk roof. A house we love. A house we can see our child learning to walk in. A house we want to build a life in and CAN'T now because do you know how much a new roof costs?

Between 7 and 25 THOUSAND dollars, depending on things like size, material and mold issues. (By the way? We have mold issues. Of course we do. Son of a bitch.) That's 7-25K that the bank won't include in the loan now because why do they want to give us more money to move into a house that's not a wise investment in its current state? (Keep in mind, the roof is THE ONLY problem. A huge problem, yes, but the ONLY problem in this PERFECT house that is EVERYTHING we want.)

So there are two possible outcomes here: Either the home owners will cut the cost of the new roof off of the agreed selling price (haha... right..) OR they will back out of the deal and try their luck at selling our... errr... their house to people that might not want to foot the cost of a very expensive home inspection and so might not find out that the roof is about to collapse and kill them in their sleep.

Piss and m-f'ing moan, you guys. This is really trying my patience. These people are not the nicest (WE ARE! WE ARE THE NICEST! THEY ARE THE ASSHOLEST!) and that's fine, you don't have to be nice, but wow. Can't you at least be honest and decent and maybe not try to sell us a house with a roof that could crash down and kill our unborn child? Or at least be up front about it and say, "Hey, just to let you know, here's the deal, because we don't want you to get surprised by a 25K ass reaming in a few months when oops, the shingles fly away and you have a really, really, really big sky light instead of a silly roof, ha ha! Also: fit your infant for a helmet because they're stylish AND practical in case of collapse!"

In the face of this newest house-related development, and contrary to what my whining would lead you to believe, I am choosing to think that the home owners will do the right thing and either fix the roof or cut the cost of the repair/replacement off of our costs. That's what nice people would do, it's what honest people would do. It's what people who care how happy complete strangers are would do. I really hope it's what they do. I'm trying to be very zen about this, and not imagine myself shoving pieces of bamboo under their fingernails until they agree to do things my way while I ask if they remember how I was nice before they fucked me out of my house? Haha! THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES, HUH, MEANIES?

...or something. Anyway. Keeping the ol' fingers crossed, and staying positive and calm because The Bean doesn't like the stress that I'm already so prone to. And really, stressing won't do anything for this situation, so bah. Does anyone know how to knit? Or maybe another soothing activity that doesn't include huge needles that I could use to exact my bloody revenge?


  1. Now that they know about the roof they will have to disclose it to whomever buys the house..so you have a good shot at them making it right.

  2. Since I am prone to scab picking and neurotic worrying when upset, I don't have good advice. Well, you could try yoga. I did for a few weeks, and it actually worke.d