Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I can't seem to figure it out.

That last post is still giving me heartburn. I'm still rolling it around, still trying to find the peg in my brain it will fit into so it will just sit still already, damnit, but I need to get it off the top of my blog. I can't come here to make sure the figurative roof hasn't caved in between posts, and see it there. Looking at me. Looking at anyone else who comes here.

Problem is, on account of still not having found a way to quiet the voice of that last one, I don't really know what else to talk about, so... This is awkward. I kind of feel like I should address some of the things I said in that last one but at the same time, no. Just... no. I don't really know how to talk about any of it, and I don't want to give the wrong impression... So there's this grunting murmur in the back of my head, growling at me to just leave it alone already, it's tired and old and can't you see I'm resting now go AWAY. Yet I still feel the need to poke, and so let me just clarify, just quickly, just for a second:

I don't want to forget the baby I lost. I don't want to, and I know I won't ever. Sometimes I just wish I could. I know that makes me a bad person or a shitty woman, or any number of terrible things I'd never chose to be, but I didn't choose any of this so I've kind of grown used to the idea of things not fitting just so in my life. I suppose I can deal with people thinking I'm terrible for occasionally wishing I had the ability to forget, because forgetting is the only thing that would make it possible for me to be normal.

People who have normal have everything I want, but they don't have a clue how lucky they are and so I guess I don't want any of it at all. I'd rather know I'm lucky than be trapped in the dark, however soothing...

And that's all, I promise, that I have to say about that. For now, anyway... I mean, I can't say for sure about the future and whether or not I'll feel the need to vomit this particular demon back up in a while. But not now, not anymore, I promise.

Let's move on, shall we? I don't know what to move toward, however, so this will serve as a place holder for a couple of days until I figure it out... I'm really trying to figure it out. I am. If anyone has any ideas on what I could blather about here, I'm totally open to suggestions. In fact, that would be kind of great.

I'll see you on the flip side.


  1. Hey I wasn't in any way trying to suggest you were doing anything wrong. I was trying to help, to offer comfort, and if my comment made you feel bad in any way, I'm really sorry, we just missed each other coming and going.

  2. Oh, Maggie, no. No, no. *jumps on email* No a lot. SO MUCH NO. See me, not making myself clear? Not at all-- I can't tell you how helpful you are, how comforting. I really can't tell you. It's such a dark place, to be alone with all of that pain. To know that anyone understands or cares enough to reach out to a stranger... Man, I can't even tell you how much that means. I was clarifying for me, not anyone else. I can't tell you, or anyone that comments here, how much it means to get feedback about these things.

  3. Time does "soften" wounds, some wounds never heal.