Friday, April 17, 2009

Morning, my aching ass.

They call it Morning Sickness because if they called it All The Fucking Time Sickness (No, Seriously, ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME SICKNESS) we'd all be scared out of having sex and the human race would dry up and blow away like a fart in the wind.

Mine isn't bad yet. I mean, I don't think so. I kind of feel... bleh... most of the time. I wake up and for about 10 minutes I'm okay. Then I get to feeling... Bleh... Then I'm okay... Then the Bleh comes back, but it brings its friends, Achy and Fevery Without An Actual Fever. They're both kind of bastards that like to set up shop and hang out for most of the day.

People keep asking me if I'm puking. The answer is: No, but man, I'd LOVE that. Seriously. Like, have you ever been the kind of nauseous where you're thinking, "If I could just puke, I'd feel better,"? I've found myself there after ingesting Tequila, eating shellfish sold from a cart on the street, and that one time I thought it would be a good idea to eat KFC after a night of Jack Daniels and Jager chasers. That's where I am now. I've built a HOME there, gotten comfortable, really settled in. Only now it's not because of alcohol or food poisoning, it's because there are all of these cells dividing inside my abdomen. At least, that's what they tell me.

Even given this constant state of "I could puke out my eye holes at ANY MINUTE!" mixed with a healthy dash of "I think I've actually been asleep for the last 15 minutes," it still doesn't feel real. I know I don't feel like myself, I know I feel like SOMETHING is going on... But like I said, this could just be shellfish. It could be that the guy at Taco Bell sneezed on my Chalupa and now I've got a stomach bug. It could be anything, yaknow? I know it's the person growing inside of me, (for 8 short weeks already, today) but it doesn't seem real. I've seen the pixilated flicker of a heartbeat, I know there's something in there, LOGICALLY... But it's not clicking.

And can I confess something a little neurotic and silly? Every time I feel a pain in my stomach, I think every thing's going to pot and The Inevitable is happening. I figure it's too good to be true and something is bound to go wrong. My last pregnancy started to miscarry right around the point I'm at now. Although it stopped then and I lost the pregnancy later because PEOPLE ARE CRAZY, I keep expecting the same thing to happen now.

Every time I go to the bathroom and there's no blood, I feel this sense of "Really? Well shit. Wow. Awesome. Yay!" It's constantly a surprise that Something Bad isn't crashing down on us. I'm constantly talking to myself, saying things like, "Be positive. It's okay, every thing's going to be fine. YOU CAN DO IT!"

Sometimes, I even add a fist pump. Yes, I do. Because I'm the only one to hear my crazy, I don't have anyone else to fist pump for me. I don't want to worry my friends or The Boy with things, and I don't want them to feel like I'm being negative. I'm not trying to be. I'm trying to be as positive as I can, and I generally feel really good about things, so if I have to hear one of them say "Well, that negative attitude..." Or "Be positive!" I think I might punch them in the throat and play my maracas to the wheezing struggle for breath that follows.

I AM being positive. Things aren't all upset stomachs and exhaustion.

For instance: I can eat yogurt. This is huge, since yogurt has always made me projectile vomit. Actually, that isn't true. The THOUGHT of yogurt has always made me projectile vomit. I've never really tried to like it, because it's disgusting and sour and you can't make me, that's why. I tried it the other day, though, because my doctor put me on antibiotics for the remainder of the pregnancy. Something about how I had a double kidney infection 7 months ago, and oh, if that happens again I'll lose the baby. So! Antibiotics it is! And yogurt is supposed to help prevent... uh... any unpleasantness that prolonged antibiotics may cause. Downstairs. If you get my drift. You do, don't you? You're not going to make me type yeast infection on my blog are you? Oh, thank you. That might be offensive to some people. But it's my vagina and my blog, so fuck them. And yay for yogurt!

So, see... Things aren't bad. They're just nauseous. And tired. But that's good, right?


1 comment:

  1. Actually, you can put the yogart in the (hole). Highly recommend plain vanilla.

    I got a horrible yeast infection with my second child, and I was in Germany. The nazi doctor said I'd have it until the baby was born...not.

    Drink lots of cranberry juice, it will keep the pee parts clean. (kidneys and bladder)