Yeah. I am. Huge dick, right here. Because you know how I was all up in arms about how The Boy was so inconsiderate as to go out of town with his best friends on his pre-planned and reserved annual trip, and then it snowed and woe is me, I hate my life, why doesn't anyone care about me and also God is against me and my baby, waaaaaah?
Um. Turns out I'm a dirty, hissy fit having, rat bastard of a girlfriend.
Also, I suck.
He came home (of course he did) and made it to the appointment (of course he did) and we saw the flick-flick-flicker of The Bean's heartbeat, and he was appropriated shocked and awed. (Also, I think I said "Jesus!" four or five times while we watched. In a Catholic hospital. Because I'm a dick, that's why. God. Pay attention.)
We've told most of the people we work with and I told my oldest sister, who is known for being a little bit of a how-do-you-say twat when it comes to matters of any opinion whatsoever. Every one's taking it amazingly well, aside from the sister going off about how we should wait to tell people until I'm 3 months gone, because we're out of the danger zone then.
I casually reminded her that I lost my first pregnancy at 4 months, when I was CLEARLY out of her little danger zone, so there really is no safe time for me. (Or anyone. I don't imagine that I am unique in this, not for a second.) The worst could happen at any moment, I said. To which she replied "Drop the shitty attitude, blah blah, negative energy, blarby blat," and I think I mumbled something about her eating my ass. Who can say, really.
I'm not being negative. I'm being very positive, actually, more so than I would have thought myself capable. I am, however, being realistic, and I'm not going to pretend that my history is anything other than what it is. I'm not going to pretend I'm not scared. I'm not going to be caught unawares by another failed pregnancy. That being said, I'm actually doing very well with this whole Being Responsible For Another Human Being Staying Alive thing. Because worrying? Will get me nowhere. So I'm trying hard not to.
So to sum up: I'm a dick, but a HAPPY one. That's got to count for something... right?