Saturday, April 4, 2009

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I am angry. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I'm very, very angry. I'm so angry, I'm in tears. I'm SHAKING. I haven't been angry in longer than I can remember, and it's making me physically sick. But oh, the anger. The rage.

My first appointment for The Bean is on Monday, at 0830. The Boy was planning on going. He said it was important, he wanted to be there. I was so relieved; I didn't want to go alone, but more importantly, I wanted to go with him. It's important. This is our child growing inside me, and I'm so scared that something could go wrong. He kept saying, "I have faith in you, I know everything's going to be fine. I know it's going to be ok, and I'll be there." I was so happy to have his support.

The Boy is currently out of town with three of his friends. They went to another state for a hockey game. They left early yesterday morning to get ahead of the blizzard that was coming. (That's called FORESHADOWING.)

The interstate is closed now because of the snow that's piling up across the entire state. The blizzard will continue moving slowly East from here, dumping more and more snow down. The state he traveled to? Is East. The interstate probably will not open until late tomorrow, if it does at all before Monday.

The Boy and his friends are snowed in. They're having a binge drinking, boy-fest party weekend. None of them are even remotely remorseful about this change in plans, so far as I gathered before the left and they were all HOPING to get to extend their weekend with a snow day.

This means that while they're partying I have to go to the appointment alone, which makes a scary, stressful situation INFINITELY MORE scary and stressful. (Given my history, which happens to be chalk full of dead babies. You can't tiptoe through the fucking tulips in my history without tripping over a dead baby.)

I am so, so angry. I'm angry that they were all aware they'd probably get snowed in, and it didn't even occur to him to consider what that would mean in reference to this appointment. The appointment that has been keeping me up at night, the appointment that decides whether we tell people, "Hooray, we're pregnant!" or tell them nothing at all because I can't stand to explain terrible, dead baby-type news to people I care about, so I probably wouldn't ever even mention it. The appointment he said was important to him.

I can't believe this. I can't believe that I texted him, saying "I just realized that if you don't make it home tomorrow, you'll miss the appointment on Monday morning." And suddenly there's complete radio silence -- he's not answering texts anymore. I don't know if he's trying to figure out what to say, or if his phone is glitching out -which it frequently does, stupid Blackberry- or if he's reached the point of PARTY TIME intoxication already that he's not grasping what I'm saying. (Don't get me wrong, he isn't a heavy or habitual drinker. It's just that this is their annual trip out of town, and they hit it very hard when they go places, as do all of my friends. We like to do her up right.)

I don't know.

I just know that I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I'm scared. And did I mention I'm angry? Because I am.

I don't care if he makes it to another appointment... I just really needed him there for this one. It was important... He even said, didn't he, he even said that it was? And now he's put himself in a position where it's impossible for him to do what he said he would do.

I swing back and forth between wanting to scalp him for being thoughtless and putting me in the position to be MORE scared and MORE stressed, and just being so sad because he's not that guy so how could he be that guy this time?

God damn it.

1 comment:

  1. Just wanted to say I hope all turns out well, and he's able to get home tomorrow in time for your appointment.
    Unfortunately, even the best guys screw up occasionally, and it's usually not intentional. It's just not thinking ahead like we would.
    Good luck at your appointment on Monday, either way.